A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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