She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
