my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
