Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
