I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
