I have demons in me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
