I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
