she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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