She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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