Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
