She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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