I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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