Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
