I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
