My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
