oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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