We're like a lot better than the average bears
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You ate ashes out of my bong
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
