I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
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