he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
