Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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