her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
