why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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