So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
