RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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