I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
