Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Are we still banned from the library?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
