my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We had sex on a dog bed..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
