i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
