You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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