i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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