I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
