Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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