i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
