my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
