I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
