Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
