I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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