Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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