His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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