I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
