how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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