first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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