Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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