this beer tastes like vomit already
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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