I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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