Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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