I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize