ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
