Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
