Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if only i could text you this smell
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Randomize
