feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
