My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
