You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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