I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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