I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
