..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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