Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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