This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
