Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
