They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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