It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This is classic penis vs brain.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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