I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
