while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
