he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
