I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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