I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
