does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
